


Stockholm Syndrome

by justactuallynike



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: F/M, Pittsburgh Penguins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-19 13:03:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7362481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justactuallynike/pseuds/justactuallynike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sidney Crosby thinks the Carl Hagelin trade is just another trade until Carl's sister moves to Pittsburgh with him. Can Sidney and Phoenix survive the emotional roller coaster that is their relationship?</p><p>P.S. In this story, the Hagelin trade happened prior to the Olympics</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

“Phoenix I dare you to try the double mctwist,” my best friend Danny challenges me. It was a sunny day in Breckenridge Colorado, where me and my crew were snowboarding.

“I will if you will,” I tease back. As a female snowboarder I was lucky enough to be a part of a male crew who pushed me to be my best. I was competitive and I wanted to keep up to the skill level they had.  
Danny tries the trick with no problem. I drop in the halfpipe and get to the top on the other side. Using the speed I picked up, I pull the trick and land on my feet unsteadily.

“WOOOO!” I hear a chorus of cheers erupt. I spray my friends with snow and high five each of them.

“That was way better than it was in Tahoe,” Scotty exclaims.

“Yeah, it’s a big step up from landing on your face,” Jack jokes.

“Yeah yeah yeah,” I reply.

Ready for a break I sit down and pull out my phone. I had a bunch of missed texts from people asking if I had heard the news. I scroll through twitter and find numerous amounts of tweets saying Carl had been traded to the Pittsburgh Penguins. I quickly find his contact information and start calling him.

“Hello?” he asks, sounding impassive.

“Yeah hi. It’s your sister, I just heard the news. Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask angrily in Swedish. We were fraternal twins but we were just as close as identical. I could tell his mood or what he was thinking just by looking at him.

“I knew you were at the mountain all day, I didn’t want to bother you. “ he replies.

“Are you okay with this?”

“I kind of have to be Phoenix, this is what I signed up for when I wanted to be a hockey player. Besides Pittsburgh is a decent team. They have a lot of talent and I’m hoping I can be an asset there.”

“Well that’s a positive way of looking at it.” I say, though I know it’s just a front.

“Yeah well I know you were saying you were looking for a new adventure and I figured this could be it. You should come stay in Pittsburgh with me, it’d be really cool if I had you there with me.” He asked persuasively. I liked to consider myself a gypsy. I loved to travel and being a professional snowboarder let me do that globally. It wouldn’t be a huge deal to pack up and go live with Carl for a while plus I know he wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t mean it.

“You know what sure. Why not?” I say giving in.

“Awesome! Well I gotta go do a million things. I’ll text details and everything.” He says with a much lighter tone in his voice. We hang up and I walk back over to the guys who are getting ready to leave.

“What was that all about?” Scotty asks.

“Carl just got traded to Pittsburgh, and apparently I’m going with him,” I inform them.

“Pittsburgh, like the Pittsburgh Penguins? As in Sidney Crosby?” Danny asks in shock.

“Yes Danny,” I laugh. “Would you like me to get an autograph?” My friends were all very big hockey fans. We head back to my house to unwind after a long day out on the mountain.

“Where are you heading next?” Jack asks me while cracking a beer.

“I have a shoot and an interview in LA, then I’m meeting up with Carl once he gets a place in Pittsburgh.” I say chewing an apple. Since I was in a super good mood since nailing that trick earlier I decided that I wanted to go out before we all went our separate ways. “We should go out tonight!” I yell loudly.

“Yeah I’m down,” Danny nodded. The rest of the guys agreed and I went upstairs to get ready. I threw on black skinny jeans and a white halter crop top. I brushed my long black hair and applied a little mascara and foundation to cover up my paleness. I looked in the mirror and was satisfied with my final look. I headed downstairs and then we left to hail a cab.

Once there, the music was blaring and I went immediately to the bar with Danny.  
“Let’s get shots to celebrate!” Danny yells over the music.

“Celebrate what?” I yell back.

“You! Doing the double mctwist. You’ll be competing in the men’s group soon enough,” he says proudly. I smile and we knock back the shots. The guys always made comments about me competiting with them but I never took them seriously. I get another drink and we make our way to the dance floor where Jack and Scotty are tearing it up. Jump Around starts to play and Jack and me start doing our choreographed dance to it. Feeling the buzz I can’t help but smile. I wasn’t an alcoholic but there wasn’t a better feeling that dancing and having fun with your friends, not having a care in your mind. The rest of the night was filled with many drinks and many dance offs until we finally got to a cab and headed home.


	2. Chapter  Two

A couple weeks later Carl called me to let me know he found a place so I began packing. I wondered what exactly I’d do in Pittsburgh but figured it wouldn’t really matter because I would be away snowboarding most of the time.  
I had arrived in Pittsburgh a few days later and got off the plane to find Carl waiting for me.

“Hi brother!” I yell in Swedish while hugging him.

“Hi sister,” he laughs. We head towards the baggage area to collect my stuff.

“So how are you? How are things? How’s the team? Are you adjusting? I watched the games and you guys won so it looks like you’re adjusting.” I spit out quickly.

“I’m good. Things are good. I’m adjusting really well. The guy’s are great, the staff is great, and they’re making this transition really easy for me. Yeah if we keep playing how we’re playing we’ll make the playoffs for sure.” He says calmly answering all of my questions.

“I’m glad to hear that,” I say smiling.

“Are you going to be training here?” he asks.

“Yeah I am, but Bud is trusting me enough to train myself,” I reply. If I ever went on vacation I’m sure Bud would find a way for me to train in some capacity.

“Oh cool.” We grab my bags and make our way to the parking lot. He puts his address in the gps and I laugh.

“What, I don’t know the city yet,” he responds defensively. We drive for a good 40 minutes before pulling into a parking garage in the heart of downtown. We make our way to his apartment and I’m surprised when we walk through the door. It has an amazing view of the city but I’m shocked to see boxes everywhere.

“You still haven’t unpacked yet?” I asked, trying to maneuver through the mess.

“I’ve only been here a couple weeks, and one of those weeks we were on the road,” he says defensively. I put my bags in the spare room then come back to the kitchen to start unpacking. “I’ll order us some food,” he says while leaving the room. I look around the room and admire the apartment I think about how hard it must be to be traded. Carl was on the New York Rangers and he had built a brotherly bond with a lot of the guys on that team and I know it was hard for him to get the call saying he was coming here. I really hoped he liked in here in Pittsburgh. I had just finished putting the kitchenware away when I hear the buzzer. Not knowing where Carl is, I buzz the delivery guy up and get my wallet. I hear a knock on the door and open the door to find a scrawny kid that looks about 18 years old. I ask him how much total is but he just has a blank stare on his face.

“Um hello?” I ask switching to English.

“You’re Phoenix Hagelin.” He finally says.

“I am,”

“You’re my lock screen wallpaper,” he says, showing me a picture of me from my GQ shoot.

“Oh wow,” I say, not knowing how to handle this situation.

“Oh yeah, you’re total is $36.90. Can I get an autograph? I think you’re an awesome snowboarder,”

“Sure, and thanks,” I say while signing a napkin. I give the guy the guy his tip and the napkin and he leaves with the biggest smile on his face.

“That was painful to watch,” Carl says from behind me.

“Shut up,” I say bringing the food to the island.

“Was is the bikini picture?” he asks.

“Yes, it was,” I say sighing. I had did a GQ shoot and I wore a bikini in it and since then I’ve been tagged in Woman Crush Wednesdays posts in it ever since. I admit the photographer made me look really good in the photos but I wasn’t so sure I liked all the attention that came with it.

“That’s the same picture I had to take down in the dressing room,” he says while stuffing his face with food.

“It’s not like it’s my fault they put that picture up. They just did it to bug you,” I reply.

“You know if you didn’t do shoots like that, you wouldn’t be over sexualized so much. Your agent does a better job at selling your looks than he does your talent,”

“That’s not fair. Elliott was a big part of me winning gold at the Olympics. He always has my best interests at heart.” I say defensively.

“Whatever you say sis,” he says surrendering. “Speaking of teammates though, remember our rule.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” I say rolling my eyes. Our oldest brother Bobbie and Carl had this rule that forbade me to date any of their teammates.

“Anyway they’re having this dinner at Marc Andre Fleury’s tomorrow and I asked if I could bring you. Do you want to come?”

“Sure. I like food.” I say finishing the last of my dinner. “By the way you owe me for dinner, I’m your guest AND I’m unpacking for you.” I say angrily. He laughs and hands me cash and I spend the rest of the evening unpacking.

“Phoenix wake up we have to leave soon,” I hear a distant voice say. I slowly get out of bed and head to the bathroom and take a quick shower. I get out and pick a black long sleeve turtleneck and jeans. I blow-dry my hair and we soon leave to the goaltenders house. We get out of the car and I find myself feeling nervous for some odd reason. We knock on the door and a very attractive woman with brown hair greets us.

“Hi Carl it’s nice to see you again,” she turns to me and smiles. “And you must be Phoenix. I’ve heard so much about you, I’m Veronique, but you can just call me Vero,” she says warmly. I smile and say hi and we walk into the very large home. The guys all greet Carl and I see some of the wags sitting and talking.

“So you must be Phoenix. I’m Pascal, that guy cooking over there is Marc, and these two are Chris and Kris.” He says outstretching his hand.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you guys,” I reply smiling. I knew most of these guys just by watching hockey over the years but it was nice to meet them in person. “Here I’ll take you on a tour to meet everyone.” He guides me to the living room where some of the guy’s were sitting with their significant others. “Everyone this is Phoenix, Carl’s twin sister, Phoenix this is everyone,”

“Ahhh another Swede, sweet” a large man says in Swedish while hugging me. I laugh and smile at him.

“I’m Geno,” a man with a thick Russian accent says. On the inside, I was very excited to meet Evgeni Malkin. He had always been one of my favorite hockey players to watch. I meet Beau, Olli Maatta, Brandon Sutter, James Neal, Robert Bortuzzo and Paul Martin.

“Hey Sid come over here. This is Phoenix.” Pascal says to someone behind me. I turn and meet a large pair of hazel eyes. He smiles and outstretches his hand. I attempt to move my arm but it feels heavy as though I’m moving underwater. We shake hands and continue looking at each other until he finally speaks.

“Hi..uh.. It’s nice to meet you.” I let go of his hand as I suddenly become aware of time and space. Everything that had been in slow motion has now picked up to its normal speed. It felt as though hours past but I look around and no one is looking at me weird.

“You must be really excited for Sochi,” I hear a voice and look around to until I find its owner.

“Um yeah it’ll be cool competing in Russia,” I say feeling disoriented. I excuse myself to the restroom and stare at myself in the mirror. I look especially pale but my blue eyes are piercing. ‘What the fuck just happened?’ I splash water on my face try to get myself in check. Was I star struck? Hockey players didn’t make me star struck, and If one were too, it would probably be like Peter Forsberg or Geno. I compose myself and head back out to the group.

“You okay?” Carl asks concerned.

“Yeah I’m fine. Low blood sugar,” I lie. I head to the kitchen where I grab some food then find an open seat beside Kris. We start light conversation about hockey, and I find everyone starts slowly migrating towards the kitchen from the living room. Geno and Patric sit down and I’m soon tearing up laughing over some story Geno was telling about training camp in Russia. Beau gets up from the seat across the table and decides to help Vero clean up. Just my luck, when I’m starting to feel comfortable, Crosby comes and sits across from me. He looks at me but I know better than to hold his eye contact for too long. “So Geno are you excited to compete on home soil?” I ask trying to distract myself.

“Oh yes. Russia finally beat Canada on home soil,” he boasts proudly.

“Easy there big guy, Canada needs another gold,” Sid laughs.

“Why need another? You already have lots,” Geno says, causing everyone to laugh.

“Carl was saying how you might get 2 gold medals this year?” James asks, causing the attention to fall on me.

“Yeah they’re adding another snowboarding event called slopestyle. It’s a series of rails and jumps. And I’ll be aiming for gold, but I’d be happy going home with any medal for either event,” I say casually.

“Man that’s awesome,” Robert says approvingly.

“Even though I’m American, when it comes to snowboarding, Sweden’s got my vote,” Paul chimes in. A bunch of the guys agree and I am humbled that I am accepted so much within this group.

“But when it comes to hockey, Canada all the way. Sweden’s all ready got all the attractive people.” Pascal adds.

“Yeah everyone except Horny,” Marc Andre jokes. It starts to get late and right before Carl and I leave, I remember I left my bag.

“I’ll meet you at the car.” I tell him and then go in search of it. I go to a hallway where I hear I hear someone on the phone.

“Look I gotta go,” I hear Sidney say exasperatedly. He hangs up and turns around and a shocked look face falls on his face when he realizes I’m standing there.

“This probably looks bad. I wasn’t eavesdropping; I was just looking for my bag." I say awkwardly.

“Oh no it’s okay,” he says sighing.

“Are you okay?” I ask. I’m not sure if I’m crossing a line, but he’s not hiding the stress on his face very well.

“Yeah I think so. Just spreading myself a little thin lately. I’m sure you know what that’s like.”

“Being the face of a sport is no joke, especially around Olympic time. Give me your phone.” I say with confidence. He gets it out and hands it to me. I open his contacts and add my information. “I’m really good at giving advice and even better at listening. If you ever find yourself feeling like butter feel free to text me. Athlete to athlete. Friend to friend?” He smiles this crooked smile that makes my stomach flip. I soon remember that Carl is in the car and I say good-bye to him. I grab my bag and then get into the car smiling ear to ear.

“What the hell took you so long?” he asks irritably.

“Sorry I couldn’t find my bag.” I half lie. Tired from the day, we head home and get ready for tomorrow’s game.


	3. Chapter Three

By the time I woke up the next morning, Carl was gone to morning skate. I decided to unpack more things, trying my best to make this place feel like more of a home. I couldn’t stop thinking about yesterday’s events. Yesterday I woke up a relatively normal person and today I woke up an infatuated, neurotic mess. It had been a long time since I had felt this way. I was all about people’s energies, and I couldn’t deny the vibes that Sidney and I shared. It would be an odd match though. He was a quiet, shy guy who liked to live and private life. I was the complete opposite. I had decided to just let things be and stop obsessing when I heard the door open.

“Whoa Phoenix this place is really starting to come together,” Carl says impressed.

“Thanks. I wasn’t feeling the whole ‘boxes everywhere’ look.” I reply.

“You okay?” he asks, catching me off guard.

“I’m fine? Why?” I ask guardedly.

“I just mean in general. In life.”

“I’m fine.” I say sternly.

“It’s just I haven’t seen you happy, like really happy in a long time. You haven’t even dated anyone since Shaun.” I shift uncomfortably. Just hearing that name stung, and I’m not sure why Carl all of a sudden wants to bring up old wounds. I had dated Shaun White, 2 time Olympic gold medalist for years. He cheated on me, but then felt guilty about it and then proceeded to dump me. He would rather party and sleep around then be tied down I guess. Fame does that to a person. I genuinely loved him and I wouldn’t be the snowboarder I am today without him.

“I’ve dated people,” I say sensitively.

“I don’t think friends with benefits counts,” he replies.

“You’re a guy, I’d figure you’d understand not wanting to be locked into a relationship,”

“Shaun hurt you, and it’s okay to be scared.”

“Carl come on. I’m not some tragic girl who has commitment issues. I just haven’t met anyone who I’ve wanted to be that serious with. Life is too short for serious.” I say casually. Carl just looks at me and then turns towards his room.

“I’m taking a nap,” he says over his shoulder.

I decide to take this time to tryout the apartment’s gym downstairs. I had a competition coming up and I wanted to ensure that my body was in perfect condition. After about an hour, I head back upstairs, shower and start making Carl’s pre-game meal. “Smells good,” he says startling me.

“I made my famous revbensspjall,” I say proudly. I was excited for the game tonight to see Carl play with his new team.

“Are you sure you don’t want to watch from the wives box?” he asks.

“Nah I like being near the ice. The energy’s way more fun down there.” I reply.

We get to the arena. Carl leaves to the dressing room to get ready to play the Minnesota Wild while I head towards the wives box. Vero wanted me to meet some of the wags before the game. Wearing my Hagelin jersey, skinny jeans and converse sneakers, I walk into the room. There are several beautiful women standing around talking to each other and I start feeling anxious. I had always been a tomboy, or the kid sister growing up so standing in this room with all these women made me feel out of my element.

“Phoenix hi! It’s nice to see you,” Vero says cheerily. Vero was someone you couldn’t dislike even if you tried. She was so unbelievably kind and positive, she was definitely the kind of person you wanted to be around. “Catherine this is Phoenix. Phoenix, this is Kris Letang’s wife Catherine.” She smiles and I can’t help but look at her. She was unbelievably attractive. “This is Maureen and Carole-Lynne” Vero points to two brunette women. “They’re the wives of Chris and Pascal.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Maureen says smiling. So these must be the wives, I make a mental note. “Oh and this is Kathy, Sidney’s girlfriend.” My jaw drops and I’m completely stunned. Girlfriend? As in an actual girlfriend? My mind is reeling and I can’t seem to form any words.

“It’s nice to meet you. I feel like I know you from what everybody has said,” she says breaking the silence. I’m still in shock when I finally smile weakly. There was no way he could have a girlfriend. We had such a connection yesterday. Was I just crazy and making everything up in my head? I continue to meet everyone but I’m unable to get over the Kathy news. I head down to my seat, my mind replaying what just happened. She seemed ordinary. She was pretty in a subtle way and seemed to be nice enough. The longer I thought about, the more it made sense that Sidney was with a girl like her. That’s how I pictured Sidney’s type. But on the inside, I wanted to be Sidney’s type. I wasn’t sure where to go from here so I decided to just watch the game. I was in the second row right by the boards. When the guys came out for warm-ups, Carl came and said hi.

“Nice jersey,” he yells.

“Nice flow,” I reply. Geno comes over and taps on the glass.

“Good seats,” he says with a thick Russian accent. I give him the thumbs up. I look to center ice and Sidney is looking at me. He smiles and my heart lurches. He takes a pass and skates the puck scoring on Marc Andre Fleury. Warm-up is over and the game starts. The Wild score but Geno comes right back and scores a beautiful writster. In the second period Brandon Sutter scores on the power play. I’m sitting with a bunch of Pittsburgh fans so we all high five each time a penguin scores. Soon Crosby, Duper, and Kuni are racing up the ice with each other. Duper passes to Crosby, who winds up and sends the puck into the back of the net. I jump up and down and scream. I feel oddly proud of the captain who just scored. The Wild bounce back and score again leaving the penguins 3-2 going into the third. One minute into the third, Olli Maatta scores off the faceoff. On the penalty kill, Carl steals the puck but is unable bury the puck. Sid gets the puck and starts flying down the ice. He splits the D and gets the puck pass the goalie. Wow. I had heard that he wasn’t really producing lately but he sure was tonight. The Penguins win 5-2 and I rush towards the dressing room to meet Carl.

“Great game!” I say while giving him a hug.

“Thanks. Did you see that chance I missed?” he asks frustrated.

“You’ll get a chance like that again soon, don’t worry,” I reassure him. Just as we’re both about leave, Sid and Geno come out of the dressing room. Sid’s wearing a plain black suit and his hair is still wet from the shower. My breath gets caught in my throat and I have to remind myself to be cool. “Hey guys good game,” I say casually. Sid smiles.

“Thanks, yeah it was a good team effort.” I was kind of surprised at how humble he was. Four points in a game and he seemed more proud of his teammates than he did himself. “Well we better get going, I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Carl says to the guys. I wave to them and turn walking side by side with Carl to the car.

“Why are you so smiley?” he asks suspiciously.

“I’m just happy you guys won,” I reply.

“Phoenix there’s a rule for a reason,” he warns.

“What are you talking about?”

“Crosby. I see the way you look at him.”

“I don’t look at him in any way and even if I did, he has a girlfriend,” I say evenly.

“Like that hasn’t stopped you before,” he says rudely. I feel the anger bubble up inside me but decide not to pursue an argument.

“I’m done talking about this with you,” I say angrily. We drive back to the apartment in silence. Being as close as we were, we weren’t afraid to hurt each other’s feelings. Once we get into the apartment I head into my room and slam the door. Needing to vent, I call my best friend Danny who I know will always be honest with me.

“Yello?” he says in his usually happy voice.

“Hey it’s me. Can you talk?” I ask him seriously,

“Yeah sure, what’s going on?” he asks concerned.

“So I met someone, and they’re really great. Like really great except they have a girlfriend and Carl thinks I’m this whore who breaks people up,” I say trying to keep the hurt out of my voice.

“Well do you want to break them up?”

“Do I wish they weren’t together? Yes. Do I actively want to break them up? No.” I say honestly.

“See there you go. Carl just said that because he knows how guys are with you. Nix, you’ll find a guy who’ll do anything to be with you, “ he says sympathetically. I sigh and thank him for the advice and hang up the phone. I decide to pack for my upcoming trip to New York to distract myself. I had a photo-shoot and interview with rolling stone magazine and was beyond excited. I spent a lot more time in America than I did in Sweden and was becoming a lot more popular here as well. I’m nearly done packing when I hear a knock at the door.

“Can we talk?” Carl asks quietly.

“About?” I reply coldly.

“I just wanted to apologize about what I said earlier.” He says sensitively.

“I don’t know why you’re apologizing, you clearly meant it,” I say harshly.

“I just meant that if you really wanted Sid, you could probably have him. With or without a girlfriend.” Normally, hearing that would make me happy, but under these circumstances it made me feel guilty. I didn’t want to be that kind of person. Sometimes I was so used to my looks getting me things in life, I forget that there’s more to me than just my appearance.

“I’m not pursuing this…whatever this is. Plus I know it would be awkward for you anyhow. I really should be focusing on the Olympics.” I say, my thoughts all over the place.  
“That’s probably a good plan,” he says nodding. “Are you excited for your rolling stone interview?” He asks.

“I am! I can’t believe they want me on the cover. It’s so huge.”

“You’re the number one female snowboarder in the world,” he says casually.

“Yeah but I just want be the best snowboarder in the world,” I reply.

“I have no doubt in my mind you will be,” He says messing up my hair. “If you hurry I can drop you off at the airport.


	4. Chapter Four

I arrive in New York and have a personal driver pick me up. I hop in the back seat where my agent waiting me for me. “ELLIOT!” I scream hugging him. “What are you doing here?!”

“I wasn’t going to let my favourite client do her Rolling Stone shoot alone,” he replies laughing.“Alright we’re going to head there now, and then you’ll have the rest of the day to go shopping.”

I was excited to not be alone in the city and although I wasn’t here for very long I sure was going to make the most of it. We headed to the shoot and I was ushered into hair and makeup right away. My first look was a white tank top, blue jean shorts and a leather vest. My make-up was subtle and my hair was in loose curls. We took lots of shots around the house. It was mainly me laying seductively on chairs, kitchen counters, and furry rugs. My main look was a black body suit with a deep mesh v and high heels. We took multiple shots for the cover. The photographer and me decided on the one where I’m sitting and leaning back on my arms, in front of a white background. I was really pleased with how all the shots came out and thanked the photographer and crew. In the car Elliott starts laughing. “What?” I ask suspiciously.

“It’s just I’ve never seen someone cook bacon like that y’know. Laying on the counter with their ass sticking out,” he says laughing.

“Shut up,” I say rolling my eyes.

“In all seriousness though, your shoot went great. Soon you’ll be the jerk-off material of 15 year olds everywhere.”

I shove him. “Just for that comment, you’re holding all my bags while I shop,” I say seriously. We spend the afternoon shopping and we visit my favoruite restaurant. I start reminiscing about when Carl played for the rangers and I got to hang around New York City all the time.

“Would you ever move here?” I ask Elliott randomly.

“Nah I like my beach house in LA. It’s too hectic here,” he replies. I think that’s why I like it so much. The city that never sleeps is exactly like my mind. Constantly racing.

I get back to Pittsburgh the next day and hail a cab. Carl is on a road trip so I’ll have the apartment to myself. In the car my phone starts to ring and I see that coach is calling me. “Heya kid, how’re you feeling?” he asks.

“Great! Just landed in Pitt. How are you doing?” I reply.

“Oh I’m fine. Dew Tour is coming up fast. Are you going to the gym?”

“Regularly.” I say proudly.

“Good. Well I’m just checking in. Make sure you’re eating well and getting plenty of sleep.” He lectures.

“Yes dad.” I tease.

The call ends just as we get to the apartment. I head upstairs and open the door. Excited to have the room to myself, I opt out of wearing pants and start blasting Reflections by Misterwives. I start dancing around the kitchen and start making pizza. Suddenly my phone goes off and I have text message from Sidney.

Sidney: Hey it’s Sidney, What’s up?

I freeze. Did I read that right? Was it meant for me? Play it cool Phoenix, I think to myself.

Me: Just having a kitchen dance party, you?  
Sidney: Just finished practice though I think you’re having more fun than I am.  
Me: You’d be surprised. There are times when I miss hockey practices  
Sidney: You played???  
Me: All the way up until age 13. Then I had to pick between hockey and snowboarding.  
Sidney: Wow that’s really cool. Let me guess, left-winger?  
Me: Hahaha yeah. Carl copied me though. But don’t tell him I said that  
Sidney: Haha I won’t. Well I gotta go. I’ll ttyl.  
Me: Ttyl

My face starts to hurt from smiling so hard. That was cool. Friends. I could be his friend. It was either that or completely shut him out my life, which I definitely didn’t want. Kathy’s name lingers in my mind. Did she know that Sidney and I were new friends? New friends who text? I decide to not worry about it and continue on with my dance party.  
The next few weeks fall into a quick routine. I’d work out, clean the apartment, and cook Carl’s pregame meal. Finally the week of Dew Tour approached and I packed my bags with excitement. It was the first contest of the season and this was the time to see where everyone’s at with their skills. “Looks like you got a fan base,” Carl says in Swedish, entering my room.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“I told a bunch of the guys I would be watching your competition because it’s televised and now I’m somehow hosting like 10 guys here on Saturday.” He chuckles.

“That’s IF I make it to finals on Saturday,” I correct him. I would be competing in slopestyle and halfpipe, although halfpipe I was a lot better at.

“You’re the number one rider in both events,” he reminds me. I consistently won gold in halfpipe, but usually managed to make the podium in slopestyle.

“Does it weird you out that they want to watch the competition?” I ask cautiously.

“No. I know you’re close with some of them now and you’re always watching our games, they just want to give some support back,” he replies. I never imagined fitting in so well here. I internally hope that Sidney is one of those people that want to watch. I get a call saying my cab is here.

“Well good luck sis,” Carl says bringing me into a hug. “I know you’re going to kill it.”

“Thanks Carl,” I reply. I leave for the airport.  
I made it through semi finals with ease and would be heading into finals the next day sitting in the number one spot. I was sitting with Danny, Jack, Mark and Mikkel talking about the competition.

“Isn’t it hard competing twice in the same day?” Mark asks me while drinking a red bull.

“I’m used to it by now. It’s just hard when I don’t do well in halfpipe and then I have to concentrate on putting on a good run in slopestyle hours later.” I reply.

“I’d be exhausted,” Mikkel adds.

“Yeah well Bud calls me practically everyday to make sure I’m working out,” I laugh.

“Yeah you’re coach is super intense. But then again he helped you win a gold medal so he must be doing something right,” Mark noted. Bud could be really hard on me and we often fought but at the end of the day there’s no way I could have won in Vancouver without him.

“Remember you’re coming and joining the webcast tomorrow after finals,” Jack reminds me. Jack had retired from competitive snowboarder but now was becoming a successful host and commentator of these competitions. I was happy he found something else he loved to do that allowed him to travel around with us.

“I won’t forget. Anyway I better go to bed I have semis and finals tomorrow. Bye guys,” I say leaving the table. I’m on my way to my room when I bump into someone. “Shit sorr-,” I begin to say. In front of me stands a tall, pale guy with familiar red hair. Of all people I could possible bump into it had to be Shaun.

“Phoenix hi,” he says calmly. It had been over a year since we broke up but part of me still wasn’t over it. I had successfully managed to alienate him from life up until this moment. “Look can we talk for a minute?” he asks. I should have said no. I should have walked away but I was stuck. I couldn’t think of anything to say to him and then suddenly I was being led to an empty table where no one was around. “Not a day goes by that I don’t think about what I did to you. You were the best thing that had ever happened to me and I fucked it up. I’m a different person now. I’m so sorry I took you for granted and I don’t expect you to forgive me but I just need you to know how sorry I am. I still love you Phoenix.” He says honestly. My head is spinning and I start to feel faint.

“Why are you saying all of this now?” I manage to get out weakly.

“I guess I just had a wake up call. I’m going for my third gold medal and then I realized none of that matters if I don’t have you in my life. We’re at all the same events and competitions and it kills me to not be able to even talk to you. I know what I did to you was awful and I have to live that everyday but what we had was special, like a once in a lifetime type of love and I’m sorry it took losing you to realize that.”  
I had waited a year to hear him say this and now that he finally was I didn’t know how I felt. I had so many emotions running through me.

“I have to go,” I say while getting up unsteadily. Before he can say anything else I quickly walk away. I get to my room, and get into my bed. I replay what Shaun had said over and over in my head. Deep down I still loved him. He was my first everything. My first real kiss, my first boyfriend, the first guy I was in love with, the first guy I had sex with. He shattered my heart though. He slept with someone else. Then he told be he didn’t want to be with me. He made me feel as though I wasn’t enough. I think of all the nights I spent crying myself to sleep. He said he wasn’t that guy anymore and I believed him. He no longer was Shaun White the rock star. He spent his days making music with his new band or hanging out with his family. Could I ever trust him again though? I remember feeling so stupid when told me he slept with someone else. I look at the clock and it reads 3:50 am. I try my best to shut my brain off and get a couple hours of sleep.

I wake up feeling exhausted and get my stuff ready for the day. I go to eat breakfast and see the Danny and Jack at breakfast. “Whoa Nix, you okay? You look terrible,” Jack says with a concerned look on his face.

“Guess who just apologized and confessed their love for me last night?” I say flatly.

“Nooo!” they both gasp at the same time.

“What an asshole,” Jack says angrily.

“Can I do anything?” Danny asks.

“Yeah. You can beat him tomorrow,” I say seriously. After moving my food around my plate for half an hour it’s time to go practice. I meet Bud at the top of the mountain and he seems way too excited.

“Okay kid, let’s go with backside 750 run first. I drop in and barely manage to land each trick. I ride the snowmobile back to the top and nervously walk up to Bud. “What was that? Bud asks confused. I just shake my head and get ready for my next run. I decide to go with an easy run and it goes slightly better than the first run but I know Bud isn’t happy. My time slot is up and Bud is angry that I wasted my time on those runs. The competition starts and I’m the last one to go. I watch a few girls put down solid runs and a few fall. It’s finally my turn but my head is everywhere but here. I wait at the top until the official tells me it’s okay to go. I drop in and decide to go with the run I was originally supposed to do. The run I didn’t practice. I land each trick and gear up for the last hit. Knowing as soon as I take off the wall that I didn’t get enough speed, I try to pull the trick but soon come crashing down hard on the wall. I open my eyes and see the grey sky above me. I do a quick check to feel if I’ve hurt anything then I slowly get up. I ride towards Leah the commentator where she’s waiting for me with the microphone. “Phoenix hi, that was definitely an uncharacteristic fall for you. What happened?” she asks sticking the microphone in my face.

“Yeah, I just was kind of distracted. I just need to put that run behind me and focus on putting down a better run.” I say evenly.  
My score puts me in second last place and I unwillingly head back up to the top. I sit in the top tent and wait for the rest of the girls to do their second runs. I pull out my phone and see I have a missed text from Sidney from earlier.

Sidney: Hey good luck today! Though I’m sure you don’t need it

I had totally forgot that Sidney and the guys were watching. My mood suddenly deflates. That means they saw that fall. If I want to be the best snowboarder in the world, I had better start acting like it. I feel a rush of determination enter me and I clear my head of any silly distractions. They call my name and I get ready. I get the O.K and drop in. I focus and pull my hardest trick combinations making sure all of my grabs and landings are clean. I land my last trick with ease and put my hands up. Smiling I ride up to Leah. “Phoenix wow. Now that looked like a Phoenix run. What did you do differently?” she asks

“I just cleared my head and really focused.” I reply happily. My score comes up and it’s a 94.20. First place. I throw my hands up and smile. I just barely managed to keep my first place streak going. I get to the podium and receive my medal. After all the chaos I head up to the web cast booth.

“And here she is ladies and gentleman, the greatest female halfpipe rider who won the first halfpipe event of the season, Phoenix Hagelin!” Jack yells proudly. I laugh and wave at the camera. “So Phoenix, how are feeling, that looked like a hard fall,” Jack asks worriedly.

“Yeah that wasn’t fun. But no I’m okay,” I reassure him.

“Ladies and gents, many of you may already know Phoenix is one of my very best friends and I get to ride with her all the time and her style is just so unique. Tell us more about how important style, is”

“Yeah I think style is really important. It’s how you define yourself, and your personality through snowboarding. Technical tricks are important but style is everything.” We spend the next half hour joking around and answering fan questions. My time is up and I get ready for slopestyle semi finals. Still riding the high from my win I come first in both semi finals and finals.


	5. Chapter Five

I wear my two gold medals under my hoodie on the way back home, too proud to take them off. Carl picked me up holding up a sign that read ‘Double Gold Dew Tour winner.’

“Let me see them,” he says immediately as I walk up. I take them out from under my sweater and hand them to him. “Very cool,” he nods approvingly. “You should have seen the guys, they were so into it. Geno was jumping up and down when you landed your second run,” Carl laughs. I grin with pride.

“I should be saying congrats to you, you guys are on quite the win streak.” I reply.

“Yeah speaking of that, we’re all going out tonight,”

“Like out, out?” I ask eagerly. Me and Carl hadn’t gotten to party together in a long time.

“Yes but you’re only invited because you won,” he adds. We head home and I’m excited to celebrate with my Pittsburgh friends. I quickly go to my closet and go through my clothes to find something to wear. I decide on white skinny jeans and black mesh crop top. I shower and blow-dry hair. I put on foundation, eyeliner, mascara and lip-gloss. I leave my room and tell Carl I’m ready.

“There’s no way I’m letting you leave like that,” Carl says irritably.

“This is what I’m wearing,” I say defiantly.

“At least put on an actual shirt,” he pleads.

“No. Now lets go,” I reply. We get to the bar and look to be the last ones there.

“Phoenix! Wow look great,” Geno says looking me up and down. I blush and hug him.

“Congratulations,” I hear a familiar voice say. Sidney walks up and gives me an awkward hug. I relish in the feeling of being in arms but he soon lets go.

“Can I buy you celebratory drink?” James asks, with a mischievous smile on his face.

“Sure,” I say smiling. We get our drinks and join the rest of the team at some tables.

“Man it was really cool watching you snowboard. It gets intense,” Paul Martin says before taking a sip of his beer.

“Yeah that fall looked painful. You’re all good though?” Bortz asks concerned. I roll my eyes internally. Everyone seems to remember my fall.

“Oh no I’m fine.” I reassure him. I kept getting drinks bought for me and I felt rude declining them. Some of the guys got up and found girls to dance with. Then soon me and Sid were the only ones left at our table.

“Can I admit something?” I say to Sidney, as I start to feel the alcohol.

“Sure,” he says smiling.

“I got your text right before my second run. I think you’re my good luck charm.” I say smoothly.

“Can admit something?” he asks. Nervously I nod.

“The first game you came to, I scored two goals. I think you’re my good luck charm,” he answers. I look at him and just like when I first met him the background noise seemed to just fade out. I feel the warmth radiating in my cheeks and my heart starts racing. He's looking at me so intently I have no idea what was going to happen next. All of a sudden his phone starts buzzing on the table and we both look down at it. ‘Kathy’ was calling. He clears his throat and backs up. “I gotta take this,” he says while getting up. He walks away and I find myself feeling angry. What the hell was I doing? It was always going to be her. I chug the rest of my drink angrily.

“Why are you by yourself? You wanna dance?” James asks, interrupting my thoughts.

“Sure,” I say. After feeling rejected from Sidney, I gladly took the chance to dance with someone.

My favourite song comes on and I’m soon lost in the music. I grind against James, his hands on my hips. I lean my head to one side as he rests his head in the crook of my neck. I look over at the table and see Sidney sitting there and he doesn’t look happy. My inner self feels pleased. The song finishes and I leave to get another drink. When I get back Sid is gone. I put my drink down and start to look for him. I give up and run outside and see him walking down the sidewalk. I run to catch up to him.

“Why are you leaving?,” I ask out of breath.

“I’ve had my fill for the night thanks,” he says irritably.

“Hey!” I say pulling on his arm, trying to get him to stop walking. “You don’t get to be mad okay? You’re the one with the fucking girlfriend.” I say angrily. He stops but doesn’t say anything. All of a sudden I’m slammed against the wall in a full out make out session. His mouth dominates mine and our tongues entangle. The feeling of his skin against mine is electric and my entire body is buzzing. He pulls away and I’m left standing there breathless. Without a word he turns and walks away and I watch him disappear around the corner. I have no idea what just happened. I walk back to the bar and find Carl.

“Can we go now?” I ask him over the loud music. With a concerned look on his face, he nods and we leave the bar.

“Are you okay? Did something happen with you and James?” he asks

“What? No. I just drank too much.” I lie. He doesn’t ask any more questions and we drive back in silence. When we get back, I go to my room and close the door. I look in the mirror and I’m a mess. My lips look red and my hair is all over the place. My appearance should be the least of my worries. I was doing the exact the same thing I resented. I was pursuing a taken man. But Sidney had kissed me. I didn’t force him to do that. What happens now? Will he tell her? Will he break up with her? I wondered how I ended up in a situation like this. What I wouldn’t give to know what he was thinking right now. After an hour of feeling bad about myself I decide to finally go to bed.

I get up to find Carl in front of the TV. “You excited for the game tonight?” he asks while eating cereal.

“I don’t think so. I’m not feeling well.” I say. It wasn’t a lie. I was totally hungover from the night before.

“Okay Nix, I’m done. What’s going on?” he asks sternly.

“What do you mean?” I ask, panicking.

“Come on, cut the bullshit. I know something is going on with you and either Neal, Crosby or Malkin, I’m not sure which.” He says judgingly. I was stupid to think I could hide this from Carl.

“I like Crosby. Like really like him. Like I’m becoming neurotic and crazy like him but he has girlfriend except we made out last night and now I don’t know where we stand.” I spew out like word vomit. Carl just sits there and looks at me with a blank look on his face.

“Phoenix he’s my captain! You cannot just come and meddle in people’s lives like this! This is why we have a rule!” he yells angrily in Swedish.

“I know, I know! I’m sorry,” I say helplessly. I didn’t want Carl to be mad at me but I couldn’t help how I felt. If I could choose to not like Crosby I totally would but life doesn’t work like that.

“Man Phoenix, I don’t know what to tell you.”

“I’m just going to lay low for awhile. I don’t want to cause problems,” I say meekly.

“Dad called earlier. He really wanted to hear from you.” As if I didn’t have enough going on in my life, I had to hear this. Carl gets up and leaves for morning skate leaving me alone with my thoughts. Reluctantly I decide to call my father.

“Hello?” I hear a voice answer in Swedish.

“Hey dad, it’s me,” I say quietly into phone.

“Phoenix! Hey kiddo. I’m glad you called. I just wanted to say congratulations! I stayed up all night to watch your competition. Figuring out all the time zones are tricky,” he says chuckling. When it came to my parents, I still had a decent relationship with my father. Unlike my mother, he supported me in everything I did and I missed him a lot sometimes.

“It means a lot that you watched, Dad.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it. Did Bobbie tell you he watched too? I texted him and Carl. How is Pittsburgh by the way? Are you enjoying it? You and Carl must be happy living in the same city.” He rattles off quickly. I felt bad. I didn’t talk to him very often so he often had a lot to say when I did call.

“Yes Bobbie texted me. And Pittsburgh is really great. Yeah it’s nice to be near Carl,” I say trying to answer all his questions.

“I know you have a competition in Switzerland this year, and your mother and I were wondering if you would be stopping by in Sodertalje? It’d be great to see you before the Olympics.” When he said ‘your mother and I’ I know he just meant him. It would be nice to see my dad and Bobbie though.

“Yeah maybe. My schedule is pretty sporadic so I’ll let you know closer to the date.” I say, not completely dashing his hopes.

“Okay that’ll be great. I’ll let you go for now. It was really nice hearing from you, Phoenix.” He says, making me feel guilty.

“Bye Dad,” I say and hang up. Sighing I head back to room try to sleep this hangover off.

I wake up late afternoon and head to the living room. The game had just started so I grab a water and blanket and park myself in front of the flat screen. Throughout the first period the Penguins played terribly. They were turning pucks over, losing puck battles and the Stars led by 2-0. The second period followed a similar fashion and Sid was playing horribly. He missed a wide-open shot and I could see that he was beating himself up for it. The game ends with Dallas getting the shutout and winning 4-0. Carl gets back a couple hours later in a noticeably bad mod.

“Sorry about the game,” I say sympathetically.

“Man that was brutal. We had such a great streak going,” he replies touchily.

“Dallas is a good team. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but you need to fix things with Crosby. He played terrible tonight and it’s obvious why.”

“I can’t just fix things. He has a girlfriend. That problem is not going to just go away,” I snap.

“You get to Pittsburgh, you guys meet, have a connection and flirt. We have a five game win streak. You guys make-out and then leave things messy then boom we lose 4-0. Sid is really superstitious, he’ll have to make things right with you.” He replies.

“So you’re saying the only reason Sidney will fix things with me, is so he can help the team?” I ask aggravated.

“No I’m saying he’s going to fix things because he has feelings for you. You don’t let women interfere with hockey unless they’re really important.” Carl says simply.

“He’s either going to pick me or stay with his girlfriend. The ball’s in his court,” I say walking into my room. A few days later I get a text from Geno.

Geno: Where you been? My birthday dinner tonight. You come?  
Great. I forgot about Geno’s birthday. Sidney will be there. I guess I can’t avoid him forever.  
Geno was my friend and I wanted to be there for him.

Me: Of course I’ll be there

Geno: Great see you then

“Carl can you drive tonight?” I yell into the other room.

“Yeah why?” he replies.

“I have a feeling I’ll be needing a lot of alcohol tonight.”


	6. Chapter Six

We head to the restaurant and as per usual, are the last ones there.

“There she is!” Geno says with a thick Russian accent.

“Happy Birthday Geno!” I say hugging him.  
The only seats open are at a table with James, Paul, Geno, Anna, Sidney and of course Kathy. I slowly sit down and the waiter takes my drink order.

“Phoenix it’s nice to see you again,” Kathy says warmly. He must not have told her.

“Yeah you too,” I say smiling. I didn’t want to be nice to her but she didn’t do anything wrong. Sidney is sitting diagonal from me but I can’t bring myself to make eye contact with him. Thankfully Paul and James keep the conversation going. A few drinks later, I almost forget that Sid and Kathy are even at the table. “Maybe you should slow down,” Carl says to me in Swedish. Everyone looks at him but I continue to drink my beer. “Excuse me,” I say, my bladder feeling full. After relieving myself, I walk out of the bathroom and Sidney is standing there waiting for me.

“Can I talk to you?” he asks softly. I stand there not sure of what to say. “That night at the bar, I shouldn’t have done that,” he continues.

“Don’t do that. Don’t dismiss it. I know you feel what I feel.” I say angrily.

“Phoenix I have a girlfriend,” he pleads.

“Then don’t! Break up with her!” I shout.

“It’s not that easy. We’ve been together for 7 years.”

“You’re supposed to be with someone out of love, not obligation.”  
He looks at me and I know he’s trying to decide what to say. “Tell me you don’t feel it. The electricity between us. Tell me I’m not crazy. Sidney I barely know you, but you’re all I think about. When you kissed me that night, I’ve never felt so much passion, so much intensity in one kiss in my entire life. I feel like the world is telling us to be together and I just need you to admit it to yourself. I need you to pick me.” He stands there and doesn’t say another word. My heart is pounding in my chest. Just as he’s about to say something Carl interrupts.

“Can I get a word with my sister?” Carl asks, looking at Crosby. Sidney looks at Carl and then heads back towards the table.

“What the hell is going on?” he asks me loudly in Swedish.

“I was trying to solve the problem before you rudely interrupted.”

“You were gone a long time. If you guys don’t start being careful, word is going to get out.” He warns. We walk back to the table and everyone turns to look at me.

“Sorry I had a phone call.” I lie.

“So do you go back to Sweden often?” Kathy asks, catching me off guard.

“Um, yeah I try to when I can. For the last four years though I’ve been mainly living in the states.”

“Oh yeah Carl says you have a house in Colorado,” James adds. I nod my head and look at Sidney. He averts his gaze and stares down at his plate. The meal finishes and I don’t have another opportunity to talk to Sidney. I go home feeling upset. I still don’t know where we stand. What was he going to say? Was he going to reject me? Was he going to say he felt the same? Deep down I know he did. It was just whether or not he wanted to admit it to himself. I was being selfish. If I was a good person, I would of have just left them alone to have a happy life together but I had never wanted something so bad in my entire life. He was my soulmate. I couldn’t describe how I knew, I just knew. I went to bed that night feeling very unsettled.

I go to the game against Carolina the next day but Vero insisted I sit in wives box. I wasn’t into all the gossip and chitchat that was going on until I hear Kathy’s voice. “I don’t know what’s going on with him, he just seems off. It’s probably hockey related,” Kathy says to Maureen and Vero. I slump in my chair, feeling a knot form in my stomach.

“He’s under a lot of stress, he probably just doesn’t know how to handle it.” Maureen guesses.

“Hey Phoenix is an athlete! Phoenix how hard is it to be the face of a sport and still manage a relationship?” Vero asks me in front of everybody. Everyone turns to look at me and in that moment, I wish I could disappear.

“It’s actually extremely difficult. It’s hard to allot time to everything. I was never really good at it,” I say meekly.

“I just wish he would talk to me y’know? Maybe I could help?” Kathy says helplessly.

“I know how you feel. Marc is the same way. Sometimes you just have to tell them you’re there for them and give them their space,” Vero says consolingly. Feeling guilty I focus back on the game and Carl ends up scoring the game winner. I meet Carl downstairs hoping to see Sidney, but Carl comes out of the dressing room early.

“Nice goal!” I exclaim.

“Haha thanks,” he says high fiving me. “Ready to go?”  
The car ride is silent until Carl interrupts my thoughts.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks.

“I think I’m going to move back to Colorado. You’re all settled in and you don’t need me here anymore.” I say quietly.

“This is because of Crosby,” he says, sounding annoyed.

“This was supposed be a fresh start! I’ve just made my life a bigger mess than it already was!” I yell, my voice shaky.

“Running away isn’t going to solve your problems. Haven’t you learned that already?”

“Nothing you say is going to change my mind,” I say evenly. He doesn’t speak to me the rest of the ride home. We get to the apartment and I retreat to my room. I felt bad dragging Carl through this mess. The best thing for both Carl and Sidney is for me to just leave. I pack some clothes in a small bag and book a flight to Denver. I look at the window and the rain is coming down hard. Carl tells me he’s going to the bar with the guys and asks if I want to go. I decline and lay on my bed looking out at the rain. It was oddly soothing hearing the thunder rumble in the background. I wake up to the sound of knocking. I must have dozed off. The clock reads 2:07 am. I get up and head towards the door and I find that Carl’s shoes are missing which means he wasn’t home yet. ‘He must have forgotten his keys’ I think irritably. “You have got to be kiddi-“ I stop when I open the door. In front of me stands a 5’11 Sidney Crosby soaking wet.

“What are you doing here? Why are you all wet?” I ask incredulously.

“I was at olive or twist and I couldn’t drive so I ran here,” he says panting. I can smell the alcohol on his breath.

“Sidney that’s like 15 blocks from here.” I pull him into the apartment and get him a towel.

“Carl said you were leaving and I had to stop you.” He says, his breath slowly returning to normal.

“You’re drunk, you should go home,” I say composedly.

“Phoenix you were right. I knew from the moment I met you I knew that I had to be with you. I can’t stop thinking about you and I’m done fighting it,” he says with an anxious look on his face. I’m stunned. I dig my nails in palm to make sure I’m not dreaming. After what seemed like several minutes I compose my thoughts.

“What about Kathy?”

“I broke up with her. It wasn’t fair to her to string her along like that.” He takes a few steps towards me. “I’m choosing you.” Before I realize it I jump on him and wrap my legs around his waist. I kiss him passionately and he carries me to my bedroom. He sets me down and I peel the wet shirt off of him. I unbutton my jeans and take them off. I determinedly unbuckle his belt and he steps out of his boxer briefs and jeans. He pushes me onto the bed, his mouth on my neck. I unclasp my bra and throw it on the floor. I can feel moisture pooling between my thighs. Sid kneels over me slowly pulls my lace thong off. Completely naked underneath him, I look up and meet his eyes. They’re dark with lust and my breathing soon becomes irregular. He moves south below my waist and his tongue soon finds my clit. He traces slow patterns, making me writhe with pleasure. His tongue takes long deep strokes and I can feel my orgasm building. I pull him up and roll over on top of him. I grab his erect member and slowly lower myself onto him. He was a lot bigger than I thought he’d be.

“Fuck,” he says, his voice strained. I start off slowly and move my hips methodically back and forth. Hearing him moan, I grab his torso for support and pick up the pace. He grabs me and flips us both so he’s on top. In this position I can feel him hit my g spot and I gasp out loud. He quickens the pace, each thrust slamming into me and I know I won’t be able to hold on much longer. “Come for me,” he whispers into my ear, and just like that I start unraveling. I yell out his name and then I feel my body go limp. A few thrusts later I feel Sid’s body tense up and his breathing stops. After a moment he collapses on top of me, his face buried in my hair. We catch our breath and he rolls off of me. I entangle my legs with his and lay my head on his chest. “You’re heart’s still racing,” I say smiling.

“Yeah you kind of have that effect on me,” he says, running his fingers through my hair. I yawn and he pulls me closer.

“Don’t leave,” I say quietly.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he whispers into my ear and then I fall asleep in his arms.


	7. Chapter Seven

I wake up to a grey sky and turn to look at Sid. His eyes are closed and his breathing is slow. I sneak out from under his arm and find a t-shirt and spandex shorts to wear. I creep out of my bedroom and close the door. I turn and see Carl at the kitchen table and I can’t read his face.

“Good morning Carl,” I say in Swedish.

“Soooo what? You guys are together now?” he asks, not wasting any time.

“He broke up with his girlfriend. I guess we’re together, unofficially.”

“Wow. You did it. You stole someone’s boyfriend.” He says, looking down at his plate.

“I didn’t want to! You said this is what I should do!” I yell defensively.

“Relax I’m kidding. If this is really what you want, I’m behind you but let’s draw the line at murder okay?”

“No way. I need you to help me bury the body,” I joke.

“Hey,” I hear Sid’s voice say awkwardly and I’m relieved that our conversation was in Swedish.

“Good morning,” I say smiling.

“Well I should get going, I’ll call you later?” he says heading towards the door. I get up and meet him at the door.

“Thanks for last night,” I say quietly.

“I should be thanking you,” he replies. He kisses me gently then leaves.  
I return to the table smiling for ear to ear.

“It looks like your face is going to explode,” Carl says weirdly.

“I got laid!!!” I exclaim loudly. I go for a high five that Carl reluctantly reciprocates.

“Next time, give me a heads up so I can wear ear plugs,” he says repulsed.

“Sorry,” I say awkwardly. I go to my room and check my phone where I see I have a missed call from Bobbie. I call him back just to make sure everything is okay.

“Hello?” I hear him say in Swedish.

“Hey Bob, its Nix! Sorry I haven’t called in so long,” I say guiltily.

“Nix! No worries! How are ya? I have some good news.”

“I’m good. And really? What is it?” I ask intrigued.

“When Carl gets back from the road trip they’re going on, I’m going to be flying in to surprise him. I would have surprised you too but I don’t know where you guys live or your schedule,” he says regretfully.

“Haha no worries. That sounds great, he’ll love that.”

“You have to promise not to tell him,” he warns.

“I’ll try but he always knows when I’m lying,” I whine.

“Well try hard. I gotta go, bye sis.” The call ends and I’m excited to have my big bro come stay with us. Carl has always looked up to Bobbie so I know he’ll be stoked. Exhausted after last night’s activities I decide to take a power nap before heading to the gym. An hour later Carl wakes me up to tell me he’s leaving for their 3 day road trip. He leaves and I head to gym. I’m on the treadmill when I look up on the TV and see some sportscasters talking about Sidney. I jump off the treadmill and turn the TV up. They were talking about his recent play and the outcome of the Olympics. “Are you a fan?” I hear a voice say from behind me. I turn and there is a tall man standing behind me.

“Um, yeah I am.” I say meekly.

“Personally I think he’s overrated,” the man replies. Frowning, I head back to the treadmill. The strange encounter had me thinking about Sidney. This was Pittsburgh and even people who didn’t watch hockey knew who he was. He had a lot of admirers and just as many people who didn’t like him, but that comes with the territory when you’re that good. I thought about me and Sidney as a couple. Was this going to work? He was a private guy so I’m assuming he would want to keep our relationship a secret. I guess I could be okay with that. We were often in different places and so I was going to have to get used to a long-distance relationship. I finish my workout and head upstairs to get ready for Bobbie.  
“And this is our apartment!” I tell Bobbie. I had just picked him up from the airport and was now showing him our apartment.

“Wow Nix, this is incredible,” he replied in awe.

“Well you’re probably hungry, I’ll order some pizza. Carl should be home any minute. I can’t wait to see his face when he sees you.” I order the pizza and we catch up.

“So what’s new with you?” he asks.

“Nothing really, just snowboarding. The usual,” I say casually. The door opens and Carl and Sidney walk in. I jump up and run past Carl straight to Sidney.

“Wow Phoenix, way to make a guy feel loved.” Carl says annoyed. He looks in the living room and sees Bobbie standing there with a stupid smile on his face. “Bobbie!!! What are you doing here?!” Carl yells, his whole face lighting up. The two hug it out and I stand there smiling.

“Surprise little bro!” Bobbie exclaims, messing up Carl’s hair. They start wrestling and I roll my eyes. I turn Crosby and hug him.

“What a nice surprise to see you here,” I tell him.

“It was such a long road trip, I couldn’t wait to see you,” he replies.

“It was 3 days,” I laugh.

“Yeah three days too long.” He moves a strand of hair from my face and I melt. Carl clears his throat and I remember my brothers are in the room.

“Oh yeah, Bobbie this is Sidney. Sidney this is my older brother Bobbie,” I say, introducing them.

“That’s right. Phoenix’s older protective brother,” Bobbie says sternly. I roll my eyes.

“Nice to meet you,” Sidney replies, shaking his hand.

“Phoenix, I’m pretty sure when I asked you what’s new, you could have said that you were dating Sidney Crosby,” Bobbie says, sounding annoyed. I didn’t really know how to reply to that. I wasn’t even sure if Crosby and I were even dating.

“Sorry. I didn’t think it was relevant,” I say guiltily. We all hangout and eat pizza and Bobbie tells Sidney embarrassing stories of me growing up. After awhile I drag Sidney to my room for some privacy.

“I apologize on Bobbie’s behalf, he thinks he’s funny,” I say rolling my eyes.

“No worries. I like him. So the good looks run in the whole family,” he says laughing.

“Apparently.” I pause and wonder if I should ask him what’s on my mind.

“What is it?” he asks concerned.

“It's just… what is this? You and me? I mean what are we doing?” I ask hesitantly. He ponders my questions and I feel a nervous knot in my stomach.

“I want to be in a relationship with you. I just like to keep my personal life personal. I mean we can tell our close friends,” he replies.  
If we were to tell his friends, his teammates then everyone would know I broke him and Kathy up.

“Everybody’s going to figure out what happened and hate me,” I say putting my head in my hands.

“No they won’t.”

“The wags will for sure.”

“We don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to,” he says reassuringly.

“Then I’m like your dirty secret,” I say slightly disgusted. “You know what, we should just tell the team. They can hate me if they want but I think they should know.”

“Okay we will. I gotta go though,” he kisses my forehead and leaves. I lay on my bed thinking about the predicament I’m in. I put myself in this situation. I have no one else to blame but myself. I take a nap but wake up to the sound of my phone ringing. I see Sidney’s name on the screen and I quickly answer.

“Hey you,” I say sleepily.

“What are you doing tonight?” he asks excitedly.

“Nothing I don’t think. Why?”

“Because I’m taking you on our first official date.” An actual date with Sidney Crosby? I was the luckiest girl ever.

“Okay, where are we going?” I ask curiously.

“I’m taking you to one of my favourite restaurants in Pittsburgh. You’ll love it.” We end the call and I quickly shower. I put on some eyeliner and mascara and blow-dry my hair. I curl it into loose waves and all I have left to do is find an outfit. I look at the clock and it reads 6:55 pm. Sidney said he’d pick me up at 7:00 pm and I start to stress out. I finally decide a short red dress with three quarter length sleeves and a high neckline matched with a pair of black pumps. I walk out of my room to find Carl and Bobbie watching tv.

“Wow Nix, you clean up good,” Carl says, taking his eyes off the screen.

“Yeah you look great,” Bobbie adds. I thank them and head downstairs to find Sidney’s Range Rover waiting for me. I hop in and smile at him. He’s wearing a navy suit with a white shirt with the buttons at the top undone with no tie.

“You look incredible,” he says grabbing my hand.

“You’re looking pretty good yourself,” I reply. We spend the ride there hand in hand while I went through his iPod and made fun of his music taste. We finally pull in behind a large building and he helps me out of the vehicle. He leads my through a back door where we end up in a kitchen.

“Mr. Crosby welcome,” a tall man comes and greets us.

“Lenny this is Phoenix. Phoenix, this is Lenny the owner.” I shake the man’s hand and he leads us to a private dining area that’s completely secluded. He takes our drink and food orders and leaves. I look around at all the empty tables. Is this how our entire relationship was going to be? Sneaking through back entryways and reserving rooms. The room has a beautiful chandelier and the décor makes it clear that this is a very fancy restaurant.

“I see being Sidney Crosby has it perks.”

“Usually people take pictures or come up and ask for autographs, I just didn’t want anyone bothering us tonight,” he replies. I got recognized often enough, but still led a relatively normal life. I couldn’t imagine being in a city where every person knows who you are. Our food comes and my 10 oz steak looks amazing. “Are you going to be able to eat all that,” he asks laughing,

“Don’t underestimate me Crosby. I could literally live off of steak,” I say smiling. “So tell about yourself?” I ask him after awhile.

“Well I play hockey, that takes up most of my time,” he replies.

“No I mean besides hockey. What kind of things do you like?

“Well I like eating out and reading. I’m really into history and I like army movies. I like watching football and baseball.” He says simply. “What about you, besides snowboarding, tell me about you.” I think about the question for a moment before answering.

“My life revolves around music. I love to travel and I like science. I graduated high school when I was twelve. I was in the middle of getting my masters in virology but I put that on hold so i could focus on snowboarding. I love hockey and hate football and I enjoy skateboarding.”

“So you’re like a genius?” he asks, shocked.

“I wouldn’t say a genius,” I reply awkwardly.

“Virology. That’s like the study of viruses right?” I nod and take a sip of my wine.

“That’s really cool.” He says impressed. We spend the rest of the meal getting to know each other on a more personal level. We finish the meal and head back to the car.  
“Do you uh want to check out my new house?” he asks nervously. I can’t help but smile at him. This man who was the captain of a team and dominated on the ice was nervous to ask me go back to his place.  
We get to his house and it’s twice the size of my house back in Sweden. We walk inside and can’t get over how spacious it is.

“I had it built and finally got to move in a couple months ago,” he says taking off his jacket. I don’t know if it’s the suit or the wine but my need for him is growing. He gives me a tour of the house but the only thing I care about seeing is the bedroom. Finally we get to his room and you can tell a guy decorated it. I look at him and he still looks unsure. I decide to take the first step and unzip my dress. I step out of my dress so I’m just standing there in front of him in my underwear. I slowly start unbuttoning his shirt and peel it off of him. I unbuckle his belt and reach down and start stroking him. I can feel him getting hard in my hand and I look up at him. His head is back and his eyes are closed. I back up so I’m leaning against the bed. He follows and steps out of his pants and boxer briefs. He lifts me onto the bed and unclasps my bra. He slips two fingers under my thong all while placing wet kisses along my neck. His fingers move masterfully in and out of me and my hips start to buck.

“I want you,” I manage to get out. He peels my thong off and lines up with my center. In one swift motion he thrusts in and hits my g-spot. I gasp loudly and he kisses me deeply. He picks a steady pace and I can feel my orgasm building. I wrap my legs around him so that his pelvis is rubbing against my clit. My orgasm comes and I feel myself tightening around him. I cry out his name and soon feel him empty inside me. He collapses on top of me and we both lay there panting. He rolls off of me and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny? I ask self-consciously.

“I thought I was doing the whole sex thing right before, but I had no idea it could be this good,” he responds, his breathing still laboured.

“You haven’t seen nothing yet,” I smile and climb on top of him, ready for round 2.


	8. Chapter Eight

I wake up to Sid’s alarm and I roll over to face him. I smile and run my fingers through his hair. I couldn’t believe that I got to wake up to this gorgeous man.

“You have practice don’t you?” I ask disapprovingly.

“Unfortunately yes,” he replies before kissing me. We both get up and start getting ready.

“So there’s this dinner tonight. All the guys and their wives and girlfriends will be there. I was thinking that maybe we should tell them there?” he asks hesitantly. After a long while I finally agree. We eat breakfast in a hurry and then Sidney drops me off at home. I decide to take a bath and think about the upcoming dinner. I was going to have to face the music sooner or later. I was surprised that Sidney was ready to tell people so soon, even if it was just his teammates. What would people think of Sidney? He was always known as the nice guy, would this change people’s view of him? I started to feel as though I was having a negative impact on Sidney. I certainly wasn’t making his life any easier. The water gets cold so I get out and start to get ready for this dinner. At least it was a casual dinner. I decide to wear a pair a blue skinny jeans and an off the shoulder grey long sleeve shirt. Sidney texted me saying he was here so I headed downstairs to meet him.

“You look nice,” he says warmly. I smile weakly. We drive to the restaurant in silence, both unsure of what the dinner was going to be like. After twenty minutes, we finally get there and my stomach is doing flips. Sidney grabs my hand and I take a deep breath. We walk into the restaurant and everyone turns to look at us. Everyone looks shocked and I anxiously wait for someone to something.

“You together?” Geno asks.

“Uh yeah, we are,” Sidney says nervously.

“Is great!” He replies, hugging us. The rest of the guys start high fiving Sidney.

“Well this is new,” Vero says, smiling. All I can do is smile and nod. I look over at the wags and they’re all staring at me. I awkwardly sit down and stay quiet. I see Vero excuse herself to the bathroom and I decide to follow. She’s checking her reflection and I decide to take the moment to finally say something.

“I know this is really weird, and you probably must think I’m a whore,” I say dramatically.

“Oh no sweetie! I don’t think that at all. It’s sudden yes,  
but I know Sidney and he doesn’t just date girls like that, which leads me to believe you two must be serious.” I nod and she smiles.

“The other wags probably won’t take this well.”

“They’ll get over it eventually. Some of them were close with Kathy.” We head back out and I can clearly tell people are talking about me. I decide that I don’t really care and sit back down. I take this to finally be able to act like a couple with Sidney. We share food, hold hands and laugh. This is what I wanted and I decided the pros outweighed the cons.  
After the dinner we get to my apartment and head to my room for privacy.

“Do you have any advil?” he asks, rubbing his temple.

“Yeah in the bathroom cabinet,” I reply. I change into an old t-shirt and spandex shorts and hop into bed. He comes out of the bathroom with a worried expression on his face.

“I didn’t mean to snoop, but you have a lot of medications in there. Are you sick?” he asks concerned. Fuck. I forgot my meds were in there. I’ve battled with depression and I’ve always been extremely ashamed of it. I wasn’t planning on telling Sidney this so soon. Either I was going to lie to his face about it or come clean.

“I sometimes struggle with depression. I was diagnosed when I was 15 and I’ve been in and out of therapy for it since,” I say, looking at my hands. Sidney sits down next to me and grabs my hand.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I’m ashamed of it. I didn’t want you to find out.”

“What did you think it was going scare me away? I’m not going anywhere Phoenix,” he says calmly.

“That’s easy for you to say because I’m stable now. But when I get depressed it can get really severe and I’m not sure you’ll be able to handle it,” I reply truthfully.

“I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I can tell you for certain that I’m always going to be there for you, even if it gets bad. I love you Phoenix and nothing you say is going to change that.” I finally look at him, my eyes wide. Did he really just say that?  
“I mean it. I know it’s soon but I knew from the moment I met you. I love you. I’m in love with you.” I lay on his chest and he shuts my lamp off. I lay there still in his arms, listening to his heartbeat until I fall asleep.

The next morning Sidney leaves and I go to the kitchen to have breakfast.

“Mornin’” Carl says, his mouth full of cereal.  
“He told me he loved me,” I spit out. He looks shocked at first but then gains his composure.

“Wow, that’s big. You don’t look happy though.” Bobbie replies.

“I didn’t say it back. I mean I feel it, I just don’t know how to verbalize it.”

“Just because he said it, doesn’t mean you’re obligated to. Say it when you’re ready,” Carl says simply.  
The next couple weeks take a downward turn. The pens were on a major losing streak and I could see the effect it was having on Sidney. We were watching TV one evening at his house when they started talking about the penguins and how Crosby just wasn’t producing.

“I can change it,” I say awkwardly.

“No it’s fine,” he replies shortly. He gets up and walks towards the kitchen. I follow him and find him filling up his water bottle at the sink. I walk up behind and wrap my arms around his waist.

“Don’t listen to them babe, I love you and that’s all that matters.”

“What did you just say?” he asks, turning around.

“I said don’t listen to them?” I reply, confused.

“No you said I love you.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did. You said I love you and that’s all that matters,” he says smiling. I did say it. It must have slipped out.

“I meant it. I love you Sidney Crosby,” I say smiling.

“Finally you say it back.” I playfully punch him and he laughs.

“I’m sad you’re leaving,” I say hugging Bobby the next day.

“I’ll be back soon enough. Maybe when your guy’s schedule isn’t so hectic,” he laughs. “You really should make a trip back home, mom and dad really miss you.” By mom and dad I knew he just meant dad.

“Like you said, schedule’s hectic.” I say dismissing the topic. He shakes his head and sighs.

“Either way, we’re still coming to Sochi.” He leaves to board his plane and I make my way back to the apartment.

Over the next couple months, mine and Sidney’s relationship fell into routine pretty fast. I stayed at his place the majority of the time and often cooked and cleaned for him. I was snowboarding less and less, I started doing things with the other wags and suddenly I didn’t recognize my life anymore. I don’t know when exactly it happened but one day something shifted. I started feeling stuck in Pittsburgh and as much as I tried to hide it, I knew Sidney was catching on until he finally called me out on it.

“What’s with you lately?” he asks irritably one evening.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lie.

“Cut the bullshit Phoenix, you’ve been acting off for weeks.”

“I just don’t think this is working anymore.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Me and you. It all happened so fast. We just don’t make sense. You want someone who wants kids and has supper waiting for you. I’m not that girl.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t tell me what I want,” he growls.

“You should have stayed with Kathy. You two would have been really happy together,” I say gravely. He stares at me for a long time before replying.

“You’re running. Things get a little tough and you’re ready to pack up and go.”

“What’s the point? You’re ashamed of me anyhow,” I say irritably.

“Me wanting my privacy doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of you,” he spits back.

“Oh yeah, then why haven’t I met your parents yet?” He stays silent. I try to leave but he grabs my arm. I know he wasn’t going to let me go like this. I had to hurt him.

“This isn’t enough for me,” I say slowly and make eye contact. “You’re not enough for me,” I say harshly. His hand drops from my arm and I grab my keys and leave. I wait until I’m driving to start crying. What did I just do? I get to the apartment and walk inside.

“Hey you left-,” Carl begins. He stops when he sees my face. I go into my room and slam the door. I throw myself on my bed and begin sobbing. Sidney may not thank me now, but he deserved an out. He deserved someone who added positivity to his life. I spend the next three days locked up in my room crying. After the crying finally stops, the numbness sets in. I get up and start packing my bag and grab my passport. I walk out of my room and Carl jumps up.

“Where are you going?” he asks concerned.

“I don’t know yet,” I reply.

“Disappearing is not the answer Phoenix.”

“Bye Carl.” I push past him and leave.


	9. Chapter Nine

I look around the dimly lit bar and order another drink. I hear my phone go off and see that it’s Carl.

“Hello?” I say dully.

“Finally. Jesus Phoenix you could have let me know you’re alive,” he says angrily.

“I’m alive,” I say annoyed.

“Look I know you think you’re the only one suffering but Sid’s in bad shape. He’s late for practice, he getting in fights, he’s not scoring.” This was the last thing I needed to hear.

“Look I gotta go.” I hang up and take my shot.  
I was in Whistler, Canada and had visited this bar everyday for the last week. The bartender seemed concerned but it’s not like I was doing anything. I just needed the alcohol and the loud music. I felt like a zombie. I had ruined the best thing to have ever happened to me. Part of me wanted to go running back and apologize. Tell him I wasn’t thinking and that I loved him but I knew that was selfish. I was just like a roller coaster. I was thrilling to be on in the beginning but I usually just left you feeling sick after awhile and that’s the last thing Sidney needed. Right now all I needed to do was focus on feeling something. Anything.

“This is from the guy over there,” the bartender tells me, pouring me a shot of tequila. I look over and see Stale Sandbech. He was a Norwegian slopestyle snowboarder that I had boarded with before. He comes over and takes the seat next me.

“Phoenix Hagelin, what are you doing here?” he asks smiling. Stale was a teen heartthrob. He constantly had girls throwing themselves at him and I could see why. He was cute and he was a decent enough guy.

“Just training, what about you?”

“Came to visit Max,” he says pointing towards the Canadian snowboarder on the dance floor.

“Funny how a Swede and a Norwegian meet up in Canada of all places.” He laughs. I smile weakly and take the shot.  
I wave at the bartender to pour me another one.

“I’m really happy I bumped into you,” Stale says, sipping his beer.

“Oh yeah, why’s that?”

“You’re the coolest snowboarder on the circuit. Everyone either wants to be you or be with you.” I wasn’t sure about how I felt about his statement.

“I’m serious. For example, that bartender will probably continue to pour you drinks long after you should be cut off.” He was right. This whole week that bartender continued to serve me, even when I was way past my limit.

“Life must be easy when you’re that hot,” he says casually.

“It’s not,” I reply. I order a beer and I challenge Stale to a drinking contest.

“If I chug my beer the fastest, you have to dance with me,” I say feeling quite inebriated,

“And if I win?”

“We go back to your cabin.”

“You’re on,” he says smiling. We count to three and I start to chug my beer. I finish the last gulp only to find Stale has beaten me. We leave the bar and walk to his cabin. The sky is a light purple and it’s snowing lightly. It would almost be romantic, had it been under different circumstances.

We get to his cabin and it’s clear that guys are staying there. He pours me another drink. Sidney’s favourite drink. My chest starts to hurt and I quickly down the glass and try to get Sidney’s face out of my head. I follow Stale into his room and he looks at me for a while.  
I take my clothes off and lay down on the bed. Stale follows suit and grabs a condom from his dresser. We start to make out sloppily and he slips two fingers inside. Everything feels wrongs but I can’t bring myself to stop him. He continues his line of kisses down my neck all while pumping his fingers in and out. I take the condom and roll it on him. I get on top of him and start to ride him slowly. He moans my name I start to pick up the pace. I continue to ride him until he tenses up inside of me.

“Fuck Phoenix,” he yells out. He goes limp and I climb off of him and lay down beside him. I can’t believe I just did that. There was no going back now. The fifteen minutes of bad sex made me feel awful. I wait for Stale to pass out before getting dressed and sneaking out. I get back to my cabin and I go to bed, trying to forget what just happened.

I wake up the next morning and am surprised I don’t feel hungover. It takes me about five minutes to figure out the reason I don’t feel hungover is because I’m still drunk. Deciding to get some fresh air I grab my snowboard and gear and head to the mountain. Feeling unsteady I head to the slopestyle course. I barely manage to get across the rails before I come across the first jump. I hurl my body into the air and try to rotate. I see the landing coming close and panic. I put my arms out to break my fall and hear a loud snap. A searing pain starts radiating in my arm and I know immediately that my arm is broken. Two breaks in a matter of months. I had cracked a rib on a rail about a month ago. Bud was going to kill me. I get myself to the medic office where I’m driven to the hospital to get my arm set. I get it set and they put it in a black cast. On the way back I contemplate how far I’d fallen. I had nearly ruined my shot at the Olympics. Something had to change.

I walk into the apartment in Pittsburgh a few days later only to find it a complete mess.

“What the hell happened to your arm?” Carl asks, jumping up from the couch.

“Training accident. I’m fine.” I reply grimly.

“I’m glad you’re back. You look rough though,” he says while hugging me. I looked in the mirror and he was right. I looked like a skeleton. My face was pale and sunken in and I had deep dark circles under my eyes. I put my stuff in the room and Carl excuses himself to bathroom.  
I’m putting stuff away when I hear a knock on the door. I answer it only to find James, Geno and Sidney standing there.

“Phoenix!” Geno says picking my up. I wince slightly and he puts me down immediately. “Oh yeah, rib. I sorry. What happened to arm?”

“Snowboarding accident,” I say, my eyes not leaving Geno’s.

“You came back even more broken than when you left,” James says laughing. I finally build up the courage to look at Sidney. We make eye contact and my heart sinks. He looked tired.

“Sorry about the wait guys,” Carl says, finally joining us.

“You join for lunch?” Geno asks hopefully.

“I can’t. I have to unpack and I’m pretty tired.” They all start leave and Sidney tells them he’ll meet them downstairs. What was he going say? My heart starts racing and I’m sure he can hear it from where he’s standing.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were back,” he says seriously.

“I just got back today,” I reply weakly.

“I’m glad you’re back.” He turns and leaves and I'm left standing there dumbfounded. What did he mean by that? Was he actually glad I was back? I head back to my room where I know I’ll spend the next few hours overthinking our conversation.

I wake up from a nap check the clock. 12:05 am. I get up and find Carl’s door shut. I knock and open the door to find him sleeping.

“Carl wake up,” I say, sitting down on his bed.

“What?” he responds groggily.

“I think I made a mistake.”

“What kind of mistake?”

“Breaking up with Sidney. I thought I was doing to best thing for him, but these have been the worst few weeks of my life.”

“You should talk to him,” Carl replies simply.

“I thought I was saving him from myself,” I say sadly.

“Why don’t you let him be in charge of saving himself. Phoenix I know you think you’re this burden to everyone you love but you’re not. We all love you, flaws and all. “ I feel myself tearing up. I know Carl would never lie to me about this kind of stuff. I leave his room and go get dressed. I needed to tell Sidney how I felt. I needed to be honest about everything. I grab my keys and drive to his house.


End file.
